"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother" - Oprah Winfrey
For the longest time fall was my favorite time of year. The crisp air, brightly colored leaves, football and the excitement of kids and Halloween just made me happy. Then, on October 23rd, 2000 my mother died of cancer at the age of 41. I was 24, newly married and had lost my best friend.
When I was 13 years old my biological mother melted down. Mental illness, prescription drug abuse and a codependent relationship with my father made it impossible for her to mother me any longer. Subsequently, I moved in with her sister and her sister's husband (my aunt and uncle). They had three small boys, ages 1 month, 3 years and 6 years. I moved with them from Virginia to Kansas and lived on the Army base with them for a year. It was then determined that my uncle would be stationed in Germany. Eventually, my aunt and uncle asked if they could adopt me and I became their daughter. They treated me as nothing other than their own and my mom and I were best friends. Since I was 13 and she 30 when they took me in, we were closer in age than a traditional mother/daughter team.
My mom was the most amazing mother, sister, Army wife and friend I have ever known. She was smart, witty, beautiful and caring. More importantly, she was sarcastic, dry humored and a straight talker. Everyone who knew her loved her and craved her presence. She practically single handedly raised my brothers and I since my Dad had to be way so much because of the military. She was the consummate volunteer. I honestly don't think I ever heard her turn down a request for help. She practically raised several of my Dad's soldiers wives as well.
My favorite memories of my Mom are ones that I will hold dear for the rest of my life. Sharing a 1 pound bag of peanut m&m's after school while I cried about boys, sharing gin and tonics at the beach and laughing until we practically peed our pants, shopping for antiques and spending way more money than my Dad knew about.
When my father called me to tell me my Mom had cancer he had to hang up three times and call me back before we could finish the conversation without bawling. I think we thought if we couldn't say it that maybe it wasn't true. My Mom was so brave and refused to start chemo until after my wedding. She wanted to dance at my wedding and she didn't want to be sick. Her cancer was already stage four when they found it but she was determined to fight as hard as she could. She wasn't ready to leave my brothers, who were 10, 13 and 16 at the time. She wasn't done with them yet, she said.
When my mom died, five months after being diagnosed, the grief was overwhelming. I felt so lost and empty. Our priest, who is also my father's best friend, tried to comfort me by telling me that my mother had been so good that God had to take her early to help him in Heaven. "She wasn't THAT good", was all I could think of to say. I just wanted her back.
Since then, I've had two kids, my father has remarried an amazing woman who has become my newest best friend, and my brothers have grown to college age and somehow have survived without her. My Dad took on the role of father AND mother and couldn't have done so with more grace. Every time we're together we talk about Mom. It always includes a funny story and we manage to laugh instead of cry. I still think of her everyday and my biggest regret is that she never got to meet my kids. She never got to give me parenting advice but the best thing she did give me was an amazing upbringing that taught me how to be a mother.
It makes me sad when I hear my friends complain about their Moms. I only wish I could do the same.
Several years ago on this day my dear friend Christy brought me a bottle of the most wonderful
merlot I've ever had. We drank the wine in celebration of my Mom and of her life. I've done the same each year since.
For all of you out there who have mothers please don't wait until Mother's Day to celebrate them. Next time you see them share a glass of wine and laugh with one another. If you have a daughter, strive to be the kind of mother you would want to have.
My mother and I at my wedding...surely laughing about something we'd said about my mother in law.
